Slave Breakup - My Experience I   (06/16/99)
	Lynn Public wrote: Our problems came when the girls joined Jake in pressing me. It just doesn't work for me. Our tensions grew and now there is some doubt about Jake's intent, but a conversation occurred that ended with Jake saying he was tired of me and that I should leave. (My interpetation) I feel like I should start out this post by saying. "Hi! My name is moonlight, and I'm half-bi." (Hi, moonlight!) Why half-bi? Well, it's sort of a long story. But what Lynn says rings *such* a bell. There are some differences, but not many. When I first started realizing who I was, I discovered that *gasp* I could be attracted to women. I loved watching them and whispering to my partners what I would do if I ever caught one. The catch on all that was that while I didn't mind women going down on me, I wasn't that interested in the reverse. And, being the fair minded person that I was, I couldn't bring myself to be "unfair" and find a woman that might go along with that. And, through various partners, what started out as a little blip has grown into a mountain. Subtle pushing..."You know, I'd just *love* seeing you do the same to her..." That line, to a slave or submissive is tatamount to an order. And when you can't *do* it, it is a massive failure. The last time that it happened, I froze. For about 10 minutes....and then I became hysterical. Not at the *concept* of going down on the woman. Because I was not physically able to move. And I faild to do as my dom wanted. Placing a slave in this type of position is not healthy. It eventually will lead to a loss of their sense of self. Their sense of value and worth. Eventually, if nothing is done and it keeps happening, the slave may very well self-destruct. I know I came close to it. The happy news is that I am now with someone that understands that problem. And is willing to explore it *if* I ever become ready to. He will not push me into it, or even indicate that he *wants* me to try to address it. I think he would like me too, if only because it is something that *does* bother me. And, to some extent, it's a terrible circle. I'm horribly shy with women because I don't know what to do. Because I don't know what to do, I get into that ugly cycle of "You just failed..." and endlessly repeat it. Lynn Public wrote: I was gone by noon the next day. I moved in with a dominant BDSM couple that already had one submissive. Again the arrangement left out bi-sex. The same problems arose and I then moved on to their partner and moved in with him. He is a pure sadist and from the first day we clashed. My esteme was at a low point, so the absolute humiliation and punishment that I got during this time strangly satisfied me. I got into being depressed and unresponsive and he got tired of my sulking. Again, this is not something that was a good situation, and you are probably better off out of it. When there is obviously a problem, the dom needs to address it. Regardless of what we do, *both* partners need to have their needs met and their fears addressed. When they aren't, someone is damaged. [snip] Lynn Public wrote: All decisions were (and still are) made by Jake. I have no idea of how to make a budget and live within it. I am terrified of the idea of ever having to do banking. I have never owned a credit card and at 25 I don't know how would I go about getting one. Until I was asked to leave, I felt secure as a possession. Now that I am back so long, I feel secure again. I'm happy that you feel secure. I am not so calm about the idea that that you cannot take care of yourself should the need arise. What would happen if Jake were to die in an accident tomorrow? To me, he would be far better off in helping you *learn* how to stand on your own if you need to. I think he might find that the gift you give him, your submission, becomes even *more* valuable because it comes from someone that doesn't *have* to stay. Who *can* stand on her own when needed. This may not be the type of relationship that you have, I can't know for certain. But if he feels he can keep you more in line because you have no choice in where you can go, this would seem to me to be a situation ripe for abuse. (I'm not saying that he is the type that would, just that the situation exists.) He's thrown you out on your own already, for the simple reason that you could not,, for whatever reason, interact with other women. You say that he still is pressuring you slightly...it's not a far stretch to think that it could happen again. Lynn Public wrote: If you own nothing and are not owned, what are you? The poets may tell you that you are as free as the birds. I looked at a bag lady heating herself on the exhause grates of the subway. Wow, she owned a grocery cart for her things and I was walking around carrying mine in two garbage bags. I felt like refuse. What you are depends on what you are inside, not what you are on the outside or what someone else considers you. You are not refuse. You have shown yourself to be strong enough to stay alive when you, literally, had nothing. If for no other reason, look to that and think that there is something inside that is worthwhile and then *grow* that part of yourself. Lynn Public wrote: Thankfully I could beg my way back. The bi thing has never been resolved. Neither girl ever wanted me to do anything I didn't want to do. Jake stills pushes sometimes. In my mind, this would be a warning sign for the relationship. It may mean nothing. Tiger pushes me from time to time as well. But it is a healthy "You need to do this to grow" rather than a "you need to do this because *I* want it." Think about that *very* carefully in your situation and decide which it is. Perhaps Jake is *not* the right person for you. Perhaps he is. Perhaps he's fumbling through things as much as you are and you just need to sit down and talk. There are a lot of good people involved in WIITWD. There are a lot of assholes and abusers and people out for themselves, too, because they think they can get away with it or that they can hide. Or that this is simply the way that this community operates....and it isn't. Lynn Public wrote: Over all this was a great sense of failure on my part. Some of it earned and some of it unearned. I am still nagged because I have aspired to yield myself fully to Jake and I atill fail failed at that. If I can put my tongue into his anus why not on their clitoris? Am I being selfish? Yielding yourself fully does not mean giving up who you are. And who you are has needs and wants and problems and, yes, even limits. If you want a *simple* answer to why you can't do it, think about this. You have a committed relationship and an emotional attachment to Jake. Do you have that to his submissives? Or are you just friends? Just aquantances? That can have a *huge* impact on what you can or are willing to do. Sex is something very personal and there are many of us out here that just *can't* interact all that well with just anyone off the street. Or even with friends. Lynn Public wrote: Certainly I have the right not to do it but what is my real motivation, my agenda. Maybe it is the live alone with Jake, move to the suburbs and have a couple of kids and give up the kinky stuff? There's nothing wrong with that aspiration. Nothing at all. *IF* that's what you want. And what your partner wants. Matching the two can be difficult. Perhaps Jake is not the right person for you to do what you want and need. Perhaps your needs don't mesh well. Lynn Public wrote: Eeeewwww, become vanilla! *chuckles* There's nothing wrong with that, either, if it's what you want. If it's not, figure out *what* you want and then figure out how to go about getting it. There's a whole big world out here. And lots of people willing to give a helping hand where they can. You just have to want it and ask for it, eh?