What do you do - as a Dom - in this situation I   (06/25/99)
	Apuleius wrote: I'm a sub, but I know about this situation. If there is a safeword you should have made very clear *when you gave it* that they should not hesitate out of fear of disappointing you to use the safeword if they really need to. In other words, you should make very clear that using the safeword will not have a negative effect on the relationship. (Of course, if somebody constantly safeworded it in fact probably *would* eventually have a negative effect on the relationship, but you don't want people thinking in these terms. True subs will put in an honest effort not to safeword they are truly freaked; they will tend to err in the direction of not safewording and you need to guard against that by giving a lot of reassurances up front). Aside from the problem that I have with the wording you have of "true sub", there are a couple of problems with this. One one end, some subs have a *very* definite problem using safewords. I, personally, am one of them. I tend to forget them when I get into that really deep space where I *might* need to express a problem. On the other end of the spectrum, you have the fearful sub. Often they are new and truly afraid of what is about to happen and so they call safeword. This places the dom in the position of either stopping or ignoring it because he knows that the sub needs to face whatever it is. I have been in *both* of these situations, and it's horrible. I've let things remain unfaced because I was unable to find someone I trusted enough to *not* use a safeword. (As an aside, I do *not* have one with Tiger. :) He gets what he wants when he wants it, and it's on *his* head to decide what I need......and to deal with the consequences if he chooses badly.) Apuleius wrote: Anyway, if there is a safeword and you have made sure they are prepared to use it then not using it implicitly means that they are giving permission for you to go ahead. Subs are very aware of this, believe me. Begging could be a turn on for them, or if the fear seems real and "serious" it could be an implicit yellow light -- please go slow, be careful, and have mercy. E.g. if a male believes a dildo is too big for him to take. They are *not* implicitly agreeing. There are a hundred different reasons why they may be *unable* to say their safeword. It's never an either/or situation. Perhaps they've lost the ability to speak...perhaps they've forgotten it under the stress...perhaps they are terrified *to* use it. Some subs have had bad experiences with safewords and have learned responses to that....and that can make them unable to use them...There's no guarantee that *just* because you have a safeword, you have the consent of your partner to continue. Similarly, just because you *don't* have a safeword doesn't mean you don't have their consent. It's not that black and white. Apuleius wrote: If they don't have a safeword, then the situation is a lot trickier. I think that if you know somebody you can tell if they are truly freaked out, on the edge of freaked out (which you may not), or turned on by begging. This is subtle, though, and it's hard to describe that line in words. (One tip: if a guy's cock shrivels to the point where it looks like it's going back into his body, and you can't get it back up easily, it's a good sign that he's over toward the freak out end of the spectrum). I would suggest to all people starting out, dom *and* sub, that they need a safeword. Even the dom can start to be pushed beyond where they want to go. And, I've found that a sub feels better knowing that it was a *dom's* limit rather than some failure of theirs. Sudden stoppage of a scene can be terrible when the sub thinks it's their fault. Having said that, when two people know each other well, safewords are often *not* needed. What's "well" or "well enough"? Beats me. That's up to the couple in question. And they can *still* be wrong. But they have a better base about how their partner reacts that someone that's playing for the first time. I certainly don't think that not having a safeword is a tricky thig for Tiger and myself. I can beg him if I need something to stop. He will evaluate my condition and *why* I am begging and proceed from there. At some point, he will choose unwisely, but I know that he will make certain that I am ok in the end. Apuleius wrote: Finally, I wouldn't hesitate *that* much to stop things to talk stuff over. Frankly, it might blow the mood in that scene -- which can be a tough thing -- but if he's really scared of that activity it should be relatively easy in the future to recreate the headspace you are in. Maybe. It all depends. I've had scenes stop and *never* been able to repeat the feelings at a later date. It was a one time thing, or something specific to the moment. All of these are things that you need to take into consideration.