What do you do - as a dom - in this situation II   (06/30/99)
	This post was written by Argentium, moonlight's owner and operator. Akasha wrote: You're in a situation with your submissive in which you have just told them they are to endure a situation. This situation was never a stated limit of the submissive, but the submissive obviously is very terrified/uneasy about it. The submissive begs..and not just your typical begging, this is pretty earnest begging. Got it, fright and nervousness are high-profile on the radar screen, ie they're *real* obvious. Akasha wrote: However, the submissive does not safeword (if you use them); but this submissive has never safeworded in the past, either. It comes to the moment of truth, then. Do you make the submissive endure the act? If so, as you do it, do you wonder if the submissive is going to resent you for going through with it? The best answer I can give (for me) is: It depends. It depends on who the submissive is, what's happened in their (and my) life that day, how both of us are feeling, any stated limits or previously stated experiments that one or both wished to conduct... There's just a bunch of things to consider beyond the normal scope of safety considerations et al. Fer instance, from the "upcoming scenes" file: Sterile needles and nipple piercings done solely for pain play (no metal bits left behind afterwards). Makes a huge difference who it's with. moonlight fears it greatly, will probably beg like crazy not to be put through it when it happens and the needle is touching her, but in that instance, it would be done. Why? Because she's expressed an interest in conquering that fear. Because I wish to push her through that when the time is right. Because it's appropriate... Gah, so much depends on factors that are really hard to define. Akasha wrote: If you do, is there any fear in you, anywhere, that you may be doing something wrong by doing it, after all of that begging and pleading? You betcha. That 'fear' (or at least concern) needs to be internally addressed before I proceed. I have to make a conscious decision to proceed, and take full responsibility for the outcome, fixing problems, proper aftercare, etc...etc... In other words, I must be at peace with my actions, and in a mindset of acceptance of consequences, both expected and unexpected. Akasha wrote: Do you wonder if the submissive wanted to safeword but didn't for fear of disappointing you? To me, this isn't an issue. When a safeword is in place, I make it explicitly clear that to use it is *not* to bring wrath, dishonor, shame, it's merely a way to halt the scene and discuss why the brakes were put on. "Fix the problem, not the blame." If I had a consistent fear that a submissive of mine (with a safeword) were in fear of using it, I'd find that alone to be enough to *not* proceed with scene(s) until that issue could be resolved. Akasha wrote: Do you break the momentum, sit the submissive down, and say "l;et's talk about this, is this ok with you? Why does this bother you so much?" Sometimes, depends on the perceived severity, the intensity of the pleading, and whether or not I feel 'surprised' by what's going on. Akasha wrote: (If you do this, do you worry that your stopping and breaking tempo will upset the submissive who may have just been REALLY on the edge and terrified but loving the rush, and your over protective nature just crashed the high?) Yup, it's a fine line. Sometimes I push without mercy, sometimes I stop and find out what's going on in said sub's head. As mentioned earlier, it depends. There is somewhat of a twisted pleasure I get out of something moonlight told me the other day: "I know you'll do the right and necessary thing but I can't effectively predict what that will be!" In other words, I don't have "one true solution" for a given event, because timing and situation and other factors can change what is necessary and/or appropriate. Akasha wrote: Do you just not do it, and change the subject? If you do that, do you fear that you are not a "tough" enough dom? I've occasionally had this concern, but I usually handle it by asking myself, "Self, are you doing what you truly want to do, and what is right?" Akasha wrote: Basically, I'm curious how different dominants handle these types of situations. Of course, a lot of it relates to the type of relationship you have with your submissive and how well you know them - but I think we have all been in situations before where there is some self-questioning whether or not an act about to happen might result in an outcome not pleasing for either party (regardless of whether or not you use safewords; there is always the chance someone might not use one even thought they want to). For me I guess it boils down to ... "Do I, or do I not decide that we are going to play with fire in the full knowledge that those who do sometimes get burned." I *like* edge play, but I don't like it all the time. I've got a pending request for an edge play scene involving the infamous sharpened silver claws, and drawing of blood. I want to do the scene, I'm just now mulling over safety, timing, environment, location of cuts/rips, medical care, etc...etc... Once I've got it all layed out and risk-reduced to the best of my abilities, in this case, begging would not be an option. I've been in situations where seemingly innocuous requests to stop caused me to put the brakes on the scene, HARD. Why? I just had an instinctual feeling that it was the right thing to do, and it turned out to be so. Good question Akasha. :-)