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moonlight wrote:
First, edgeplay is different for everyone. What I posted about today...that was closer to the edge than I think I've ever been. It played with my fear of failure..my fear of abandonment...the rage that's kept locked deep inside where I don't want to go...
Tobie wrote:
I agree that edge play is different for everyone and understand that MANY forms of edge play are the ones that touch the soul more than the body.
I do, however, think that the emotions evoked by edge play are similar in most cases. Edge play plays with our reality.
- moonlight wrote:
Choking and heavy blood play, that are heavy edge play to you are not that big a deal to me...this is what I mean by edge play being very personal. You have to define your edges for yourself.
Tobie wrote:
Yes, Because *I'd* consider playing with an *unloaded & secured* gun less edgy than heavy blood play, or choking.
[snip]
- Tobie wrote:
While I understand this as an aspect of personality that I lack, I can see how it effects the decisions that others might make that *I* would not. Death *may* be a gateway, I really don't know. I do know that for *me* life is for now, with *these* people, and to be lived fully.
- moonlight wrote:
I think that most people are that way, for what it's worth. Tiger and I both realize that he could break that trust. And he and I both will have to live with the consequences if that happens. He's seen it happen before. I've lived through it. It's a risk that needs to be evaluated like any other safety concern. I won't deny that it could happen.
Tobie wrote:
I think so too.Trust is "supposed" to be long and hard earned, but it works the other way for me, as soon as I give love, I give trust. Then as life goes on, usually that trust is slowly removed. Sad thing.
- Tobie wrote:
Frankly, I really don't see how these things CAN be done without a long term stable relationship with trust to back up the actions. I don't see where many of these lines could possibly be read by someone that wasn't deeply into the other persons head.
- moonlight wrote:
Here's another one that will throw you. What Tiger did to me *showed* me that he cared and valued me. He cared enough to wind me up, break me, and then put me back together.
Tobie wrote:
This is an aspect of it that I can connect with. I need that too at times. Need to know he has the capability of doing it. I couldn't see that in your scene report, but then again, that's pretty normal too as we would have different triggers and hot spots for that.
There's also the fact that everything is clear to me... :) So I sometimes miss adding things that seem very obvious to me at the time that I write it. People asking call attention to where I was...erm...less than obvious. :)
- Tobie wrote:
There is no way I could orgasm from a gun, I'd freeze, then get furious. There is no way I could ever trust that much again if I felt that I *knew* my partner was going to harm me, however, though we're touching that *here* you didn't mention having that kind of fear in your report.
- Tobie wrote:
Was the fear not there? Not something you wanted to discuss? Not something you want to look at yet?
It's telling that I fear Tiger's displeasure, the idea of being abandoned, the pit of rage inside me, and the fear of hurting Tiger more than I fear having a gun shoved up my wabblie bits, eh?
- Tobie wrote:
Were you ever in the position to seriously wonder if you might get shot and die? ( please do not feel obliged to answer those if it's too sensitive yet. )
I don't think the idea that I could be shot or dead entered my head. A little button clicked off once I realized what he was saying to me. :) I'd talked a *lot* about it with him before we ever considered trying it at some future point, and those things were talked about then.
Keep in mind, though, that I'd *just* faced the worst things in my mind...getting shot ranks somewhere below all of those things.
My fears hold more power over me than the gun did, or does.
- Tobie wrote:
Great, thank you, I didn't get that part. Because of how I'm wired, taking it "right" wouldn't have done much for me, I'd be doing it because I was placed in a position of not being able to ::wry smile::
I have that weird thing inside, can't explain it very well and I know there *must* be a word for it, but I don't know what that word might be.
Maybe it comes from working with critters for so long. The ability to shut off all externals and focus tight on one thing with sheer tenacity of stamina.
"I WILL OUT LAST THIS"
" You may hurt me, you may break me, but I WILL be the one that takes the final walk."
There have been several times I left a pen bleeding and almost throwing up from exhaustion, but I made sure the critter was the first to lay or sit for a break. I made sure they saw me walking after they stopped doing so.
But in relationships, I'm a wuss. :) Particularly in this relationship. Fear of failing Tiger...or actually failing him, is the worst fate that i can imagine. He encourages me to be who I am...to be the best me I can be. And, for me, that includes being something that pleases him. When I fail him, it is devastating. I can take emotional pain and physical pain until the cows come home to prove a point that I'm committed to proving. I can't take the pain of failing someone I love. It was critical that after inducing that pain to watch it for a while, that he made sure it was gone. Dead. Buried. If only so I didn't wallow in it when he didn't want me too.
- Tobie wrote:
And again, a very clear difference between us, for *me* s/m is an internal thing. He does it to me when timing is right because I've asked for it, requested it. ( excluding spanking which he totally enjoys ) He does it because of what *I* get out of it, s/m is a "gift" from him to me. I hope that makes sense.
