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RJ- wrote:
A closed poly family would be what is termed "polyfidelitous." The people are involved with a closed set of multiple partners. That's all.
This is, I believe, what Tiger and Bronze and Twil considered themselves before the advent of moonlight. :) And, for the most part, it has continued, to what I can tell, after the advent of moonlight. :)
- David wrote
But "closed" is relative. People can opt out, in practice even if it's not officially sanctioned. People can die. And I don't actually believe in a poly family which in practice has no conceptual possibility of adding people (at least in event of death or departure of others). So just how "closed" are we talking here?
Yes, closed is relative. To answer your question, though, let me tell you what happened with me. I've known Tiger and family for around nine years now, give or take. In that time, to my knowledge, they've been closed. Looking for family members on occasion, yes. But still closed. As in, we will add more if they want to join the group and meshed and everyone wanted it, it happened.
In the time that I knew them, I considered them a closed group. As in, I'd really like to play with Tiger and possibly more, but I can't because playing for me takes and emotional commitment that he can't give me.
Why? Because, he's in a closed group. I knew that he played with other people non-sexually. But that was not something I was capable of. Sooooooo....
Fast forward a whole bunch of years. I still owed him a scene, from long, long ago. And when we sat down to talk about it, I ended up in the family. Not just emotionally, but lock, stock, and flogger tail. I moved a month ago.
No, closed isn't *always* closed fully. But there is a *very* different mindset on groups that are "closed unless someone comes along and whomps you up side the head....and whomps themselves in the process" and open poly where you can go find a partner within your relationship's limits.
I know it stunned the hell out of me when I realized just *where* the conversation was going. Because I had *assumed* that closed meant closed, full stop, no more people. Ever. Period. You're right when you say that it doesn't often mean that. But the presentation of the families that are "closed" often give that impression. For a variety of reasons.
- RJ wrote:
Yes, people can opt out or perish or be kidnapped by aliens from Arcturus
I fall into both camps, actually. I am a member of a closed group. But, I also know that while I am happy, several of my needs, if they become actually out of control, may have to be met outside of that family. Or, the family may need expanded. Or I may need to go my own way. For now, though, I am happy and content to be where I am and doing what I'm doing. No one ever knows what the future holds. With any luck, things won't have to change. At least not drastically.
- RJ wrote:
Circumstances such as death may dictate change, but I have known several many poly people who, upon ending all but one relationship, have stopped and said, "Hey, I don't have to find another relationship _right_now_."
For a while, I fell into that camp, too. For me, those periods usually end. Because the other person has other partners and I end up feeling lonely. The group I'm in now may mitigate that, somewhat, as it *does* operate as a family, and there *are* more people than just one there to be with, to meet the needs that I have to be social and around people. It's a whole new ball game.
- RJ wrote:
Ultimately, I get the feeling that this all falls under the heading of "YMMV" for the people and the relationships.
Definitely. If you'd asked me two years ago if I'd be where I am now, I would have said no rather emphatically. People and needs change.
