I've been mulling over whether to post this or not for a couple of weeks. Partly because it is...edgier in unusual ways for me... and partly because I was still processing what had happened.
This is the only warning you'll get: The following contains some pretty intense emotional working over that some people will claim borders on noon-consent/abuse and a firearm. If that bugs you, skip it. Due to wanting to present this in a flowing form, safety issues will be addressed by Tiger and myself in a separate post. This is not a story, though it is being presented as one.
Feedback/discussion is always welcome. Flames may very well be tossed into the bit bucket. Or responded to as the mood strikes. If you want to store or repost this, leave the disclaimer and the credit where it belongs.
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I knew something was up when he asked me where the toybag was. I hadn't really expected him to want to do more than we usually did, pain caused by his hands or teeth. Looking at him strangely for a moment, I told him that I had stuck it away in my room the last time that my parents had visited and hadn't gotten it back out.
When he didn't respond and just stood there, it dawned on me that he wanted me to go get the bag. I stopped what I was doing and went into my bedroom to rummage around a bit and then returned with the suitcase that had all of our toys in it.
My mind wandered for a moment as I curled up on the air mattress, listening to him rustle through the bag before coming to join me. Once he was settled next to me, he leaned over and clamped his teeth down onto one nipple with no warning. I nearly shrieked as I jumped from the intense pain.
He kept biting, harder and harder, sometimes switching nipples as I whimpered and cried. As the pain got worse, I felt myself shutting down...going away from the pain until I actually screamed from it, feeling as if he were trying to bite the nipple clear through.
Something inside me felt like it broke when he let go of me with his teeth and the damn burst. I began to cry...hard wracking sobs that wouldn't stop. He got up and told me to roll over while he went to pick up the flogger that he'd made and given to me.
When I was settled, again, he struck hard, quickly, giving me no time to set myself for the pain. The hard thongs bit down into my skin making me yelp. Once...then twice...then again onto my back before he swung harder into the spot I hate, just over my ass and off to one side. White hot pain shot through me, and quickly changed to white hot rage.
I screamed out "NO!" not knowing if I was speaking to Tiger or to myself...trying to keep myself from reaching out and hurting him. Terror followed quickly on the heels of rage as the wracking sobs came back from deep inside.
"What's wrong?"
"I...I scared myself...."
I wanted so much to feel his touch...loving, caring...comforting... telling me that it was all ok...it was all going to be ok. He was going to stop...
"Well, you know what they say. If you fall off a horse, get right back on it. Onto your stomach."
It took me a moment for those words to register. The disbelief hit me square in the heart...he couldn't have meant that. But he was standing back and waiting for me to position myself again.
I don't know how long it took me to roll back over, but I did. I won that small war within myself. I had control of mysef again. I could take what he wanted to give. I could. I proved it by rolling over.
My body tensed as I heard the hiss of the blow coming. Everything seemed to be moving so slowly. The sharp hisscrack of the tails as they popped against my skin. The fire shooting up through my body, forcing my face into a pillow as I screamed and cried.
And then the futility hit. I couldn't take the pain. I was not a slave. I wanted it to stop. I had to get it to stop.
Again the lash cracked down against me and I screamed, trying to make him understand I *did* *not* *want* this. That I *needed* it to stop. And still the tails cracked on.
The last time the lashes cracked the rage came again. The utter fury that he would *DARE* do this to me. I wanted to rip the flogger from him and use it on him. Beat him with the handle, made from iron pipe. Smash and rend and tear and HURT.
My hand, however, had better sense. It landed not on the flogger but one of the pillows. With viperlike quickness and aim, I struck out and smacked him on the shin screaming "STOP IT!"
And then the rage fled...and terror returned. I had hit him. I had actually struck at him. The sure knowledge that he would kill me filled my head as he landed quickly on me, grabbed my neck with his hand and forced my head down onto the matress, grinding my cheek into it.
He held me there until the tenseness left my body...until the sobs returned. Then he let me go and I curled up facing away from him, a tiny little pathetic ball of emotion.
Stretching out next to me, he didn't touch me at all. He just waited for me to be able to speak. The sobs of a woman that is broken are pathetic. they are from the core of her...sounds filled with pain and lack of will to live. She knows that, deep inside, she has failed not only the people around her, but also herself. There is nothing left...only a shell...and one not worth anything at all, at that.
Finally, I found my voice and told him I was not a slave. I was not a submissive. I had lied about being one...even if I had *thought* I was. I had lied to myself out of wanting to be one so badly. Out of wanting to make him happy. I deserved it if he told me we were no longer Master and slave. I understood. I knew that lying was the one thing that would kill our relationship...and I had lied. Even if I didn't know it at the time.
On and on he let me ramble...telling him what I thought he needed to hear. That I had failed because I just could *not* give him what he wanted from me.
He didn't touch me...ever. Which told me that he agreed. And i knew that my life was over. There was no reason to go on with it.
"moonlight, I am a sadist."
"Yes, I know that."
"Do you realize that for me to be a sadist, I have to go to extremes to get what I want. You will take pain for me. And I enjoy it. But, sometimes I want to hurt you. And, to do that, I have to play with your emotions."
He left it at that, and I just sat there blinking at him. He waited for me to process what he had said.
"But...."
I fell silent once more and just blinked at him.
I think he smiled just a little bit.
"This is what you are going to do. You are going to take five more strokes. You are going to ask me for them. And you are going to count them as you receive them."
And, inside, the struggle began anew. I tried and tried to get the words out. He wanted me to get them out. He wanted me to ask. But if I asked, I knew I would fail again. I would strike out again. I knew it with every breath that I was taking.
Five minutes rolled by and I still could not ask.
"I'm not going away. You're going to ask."
"I know. I just cannot get the words out."
Finally, in a soft whisper, barely heard by my own ears, "May....I please have anotherfivestrokes?" The words were a rush at the end, before I lost the ability to speak again.
How he heard them, I don't know. But he told me to get up and walk over behind the couch.
"Spread your feet a little bit. Now. Put your hands on the back of the couch. You are not allowed to move your feet or hands until I tell you that you can. Do you understand?"
I couldn't speak so I just nodded. I think I flinched as I heard the hissing sound again, so pretty, yet so hated.
**CRACK** "One." The first one wasn't so bad.
**CRACK** "....two."
**CRACK** "...........three." My voice was barely audible again. **CRACK**
"four.." I was sobbing again, gripping the couch with my fingers so I didn't move. **CRACK** "five." I nearly collapsed but gritted my teeth and kept my hands and feet where they were, though my head dropped down onto the couch.
Tiger walked up to me and slowly ran his hand along my back. "You can move now."
I stood up and sighed.
"Do you know why I made you take the five?"
I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled up close as I sniffled and nodded. Finally, he wrapped me up in a hug and stroked my back.
"Do you realize that we were going to keep doing that until you got it right?"
"Yes."
We both laid down on the air mattress again, with me curled up against his side. I sighed softly, content to be where I was, drained of some of the stress and problems and anger from the last weeks.
I was dozing off, I think, when he asked me if I had a blindfold.
"No, I don't think so. I might be able to find something to make due. At the very least, I have a towel. Why?"
"Well, find something."
I remembered a piece of lace that I had in my altar and got it. We folded it several times, but I could still see through it. Sudden inspiration struck me, and I dug out a piece of cloth that I had bought to wax my car with and hadn't used yet, and we folded that into the lace, padding my eyes with it and blocking my vision completely.
He helped me to my knees and told me to lean over the couch seat. I could hear him digging through the toybag again.
"Oh. Here are some candles."
"There's a lighter over by the altar if you're wanting it."
"Ok."
He went back to rustling. Then I heard him clanking through the toolbox that he'd brought over to fix something. I would have looked at him with that slightly puzzled look but, I couldn't see him.
Kneeling down behind me, he started to work something terribly cold into me. I vaguely wondered where he'd gotten a vibrator, because I couldn't remember seeing one in the toybag.
Hard. Cold. Full. I squirmed around as he slowly began working whatever it was deeper into me until it thumped me firmly.
"Do you know what this is?"
"No, but *damn* it's cold!"
"A steel barrel generally is."
Steel. Barrel? I whimpered as the sudden realization tore through me. 50 caliber. Action Express. Desert Eagle. Oh shit....
I started clawing at the couch and I could almost see his grin. He started to fuck me hard with it, making me scream and moan and try to climb over the couch as my body revolted and started coming over and over again.
I think I heard a low growl just before he told me to roll onto my back and thrust his cock into my mouth. Rock hard...choking...he pulled the gun away as he took my mouth, using me until he, too, came with a roar.
He pulled the blindfold off and I just kind of looked at him with a glazed look on my face. He kissed me lightly before smiling and saying "Well, I *told* you I was going to do that, someday."
