(why, yes, I am a wordy bitch. *grin* )
- Argentium wrote:
I agree, you are not cute in my eyes. Cute is a small fluffy bunny (read: hors d'oeuvre) that is just dying to be swatted around.
You are many things to me (beautiful, stunning, strong willed, individualistic, lovely), but you are not cute.
Big difference.
Well, there *was* a reason I earned the appellation of Castrating DYKE Bitch From Hell, despite neither being castrating (I've never *once* removed a body part) nor a dyke (not bent that way...so sue me. :) ).
I have a hard time with cute, just because it reminds me so much of growing up. Mom tried for years to make me into a "cute little girl". Which I promptly thwarted by going out and climbing trees and ripping holes in the dresses she put on me. She eventually gave up when she realized that I was just following in her footsteps. She grew up with three brothers and was a tomboy herself.
So, eventually, she tried to teach me to not throw like a girl. Her only mistake with that was in teaching me by letting me throw rocks into a stream. I don't recommend hitting your mother in the mouth with a rock and knocking out her teeth. When she's behind you. Start with *SMALL* rocks. It's less traumatic. Honest. Just a piece of advice for when you have to teach your own daughters not to throw like a girl.
- moonlight wrote:
Would it be too trite to say we just kind of fell into it by accident? :)
Argentium wrote:
Well, it was indeed rather sudden when it happened, but I wouldn't call it by 'accident'.
Accident was the only word I could think of at the time. I don't think that either of us planned to be where we were, and I know I was taken completely off guard when it dawned on me that what I thought I was negotiating was something completely different than what I actually ended up with. :) It made sense at the time and was the right thing to do...I just ended up at a very different endpoint than I had gone into it with. :)
- Argentium wrote:
You missed the rather long set of months where I was trying to help you see any way to patch it up with him. Exhausting all reasonable and available options I believe it was.
"Have you tried this?"
'No good, here's why..'
"Have you tried this?"
'Yes, failed. *story*'
"What about this?"
And so on.. for months.
It takes quite an effort to get me to say "Okay, let it go. There's nothing to salvage."
This is very true. But I thought it would bore everyone to tears. :) Either that or I just don't like thinking about that period of time. It was not a happymaking time.
- Argentium wrote:,br>And something about that offer just didn't... I dunno, it didn't sit
right. People are not trading cards.
The only thing that made it partially palatable at the time for me was that a) I was his slave and of the mindset that that was just part of the deal and b) I wanted to play with you anyway, so however he wanted to couch it was ok.
Which was why I was a little startled by a recent conversation we had about trading "services" or some such. Again, I prolly wouldn't be bothered by *this* specific instance of it with a couple of caveats, but that's because I'm ok with the person involved. I just hadn't gotten around to thinking about actually doing a wannaplay thing. :) Mainly cause I'm always leery about being unable to make sure *they* have a good time and I can take what they want to dish out to make it so. Sometimes I think too much.
- [ The decompression visit - was anything between us then? ]
moonlight wrote:
At that point, there wasn't. The "just friends" mantra had been beaten into both our heads. :)
Argentium wrote:
It was simply a matter of fact. We were friends, full stop. *shrug*
Yeah, maybe on your end. :) Early on in our friendship, I had a fairly big crush. *ahem* Ok. Now that I've embarrassed myself completely. At any rate, I kept repeating in my head that I was not your type. :) Eventually I believed it. *grin* Getting over that is proving to be somewhat difficult and keeps bringing up the fact that you wish I could see me through your eyes. Give it time. I have years of programming to get around in regards to that.
- Argentium wrote:
Rather ... um instinctive. This after years of me NOT doing anything with regards to 'online play'. It's lame compared to the real thing folks, but when it's all you've got at the moment, and something is being _made_ to happen...
Okay, admit it, there was deific influence here from ten years ago when you did a drawing down into me at the handfasting. Something got 'set up' then, and it just culminated 10 years later.
Yes, well, we all know I'm a turtle. :) That has been amply proven over and over again any time I must make a decision.
- moonlight wrote:
[ ... ] into negotiating to join the family as his slave. >
Yeah, which caused even more trouble with "the one that left". She felt as if she was being replaced, which she most adamantly wasn't. I don't think I could have won that argument. In the end, she wanted out, she got out. *shrug* (It's over a year later, and that _still_ fuckin' smarts.)
Yes, well, my less than kind belief is that she couldn't be honest with herself about the problem and so she couldn't verbalize the problem she really had. And chose to ignore it until it bit everyone on the ass.
Course, I also think I was also an excuse to get around dealing with some of the other baggage that she refused to let go of.
- Argentium wrote:
Okay, so I'm a bit extravagant.
Yes. It's gotten difficult to buy anything for myself since getting involved with you. I open my mouth and out comes the wallet. :) Well, ok... it's not *quite* that bad....
But, there are times, I think, when being daddy's little girl has rubbed off on you, too. Course, you and Dad do have some interesting similarities.
Though, I will admit, you've not bought anything quite so extravagant as dad's last purchase. (A 2002 Elantra straight out of the factory, for those that are curious. I've had it less than 24 hours.*impish grin*)
You daughter thinks I need to buy your wife a new car and drive it over in mine, though. Cause Mama needs a car. (Or so sayeth the small fry. :)
- Argentium wrote:
Looking back on it, it probably wasn't the most wise choice, but... *shrug* He didn't *have* to place himself in that situation. Oh well. I guess I pick conflict a lot less these days.
Possibly not. But, at that point, he'd been out of my home and life for nearly 10 months, and living with his then slave that he'd moved in with us before getting her a place of her own.
I didn't really think about it, and obviously neither had you since he'd made no plans to try to talk to me and was in fact about to move back to the coast to be with the slave (that had already moved back). The only time I'd spoken to him was to tell him you were going to be in town and would he like to have dinner one night so you two could catch up.
That he might have been surprised to find me involved with you didn't enter into my head. Nor did it enter my head to get his approval or disapproval on my current relationships since he had, apparently, no intention or desire of working things out. Looking back on it, it probably would have been nice to let him in on it, but things were well and truly over.
Never mind the number of partners he had that I never knew about until I picked up the phone and they asked for him. This, in my mind, was cheating.
Now, some of you out there may argue that you can't cheat in a poly relationship. I'd argue that. In the relationship that I was in, we had "veto" power over the others partners and we were *supposed* to introduce each other to those that we played with....online, on the phone, or in person didn't matter.
He violated that agreement on at least half a dozen occasions that I'm aware of. We were not a happy couple at the end of things. Maybe, unconsciously, it was my way of slapping him in the face. I dunno. It's entirely possible. Sometimes I can be petty and mean just like the rest of the human race.
- moonlight wrote:
Tiger holds my hand through them and has been pretty good about letting me get over some things that he will occasionally inadvertently trip over.
Argentium wrote:
Well, honestly, what am I supposed to do other than that?
I've told you. Run screaming out the door because I'm too much trouble and hassle. :)
- Argentium wrote:
This is true... Now if only I can get you to see yourself through my eyes. :-)
I'm getting closer to it. The mere fact that I wore a corset and a piece of velvet wrapped into a skirt out in public *AND* that I'm close to getting another corset and vaguely gauzy skirt should prove that. Before you, I didn't wear things that weren't baggy.
Well, that's not true. Before Gregory moved to Champaign, I would go out to the munches, sometimes, in a little black dress with a jacket .
I still laugh over Phaedrus saying "Hi, Legs! er..moonlight" on one occasion whilst attired in heels, stockings, and that particular dress. (I'm 6 foot tall with legs to my armpits... there was a *lot* of leg showing that night)
- moonlight wrote:
Some of this probably makes Gregory sound like an ogre...which he isn't.
Argentium wrote:
Nah, just not well matched. He has his interests, you have yours. Everyone is entitled to a few big mistakes in life - you learned from it, no?
Some. The biggest, I think, is that when people change, you *MUST* redefine and renegotiate your relationship. Continuing on in the same manner after a change like that is a good way to set yourself up for a big, bad blowout. Which is why I'm trying to be better about telling you about internal shifts in me. Some of them may not seem relevant to me now...but who knows what they'll become down the road.
- Argentium wrote:
*smiles* And y'know what? I'm glad she said it too. Shows she's got character and plenty of it. I like her, a lot.
Or something. :) She's got a lot of her grandmother in her. Which should explain why I'm scared of the woman. :) Must mind my qs and ps around her. ;)
