A Sliver of Moonlight - A Moonlit Path


	Polyamory, Online Play, Writing, etc.(02/11/02)

	At 10:01 PM 2/8/02, /amq wrote: moonlight wrote: I'm consciously aware that I have a problem with failing at things...and rejection for me is a part of that. I'm usually very careful about putting myself in the position of even possibly being rejected. /amq wrote: Which, to put a point on it, doesn't teach you ways in which to deal with it, it just coddles the sore point. Maybe that's what you want/need. Dunno. Just sayin'. That's the main problem, yes. I'm slowly starting to try to take little risks that may not hurt too much. (I'm ordering a corset and skirt for an upcoming fetish ball, for example...tried the outfit once and it went over ok in a small group...now we graduate up to a larger group...) Yes, it's something that needs addressed/changed. But all that takes time. It's easier to deal with clothing related rejection than it is to walk up to someone and say "hey, wannaplay?" and hear no. Which means, really, that I will RARELY go ask someone if they want to play. For now. /amq wrote: For me, life is an experiment. If I don't get it 'right' - for whatever value 'right' has this time around - I have data from which to learn. The only one I really have to please is myself - and it's sort of futile to reject myself for failure, ya know? Yeah, I know. That's the kicker. It really all boils down to how I react to me. And, like it or not, I've internalized some of society's crap about who is/is not acceptable. /amq wrote: And yes, this is in direct conflict with how I feel and act in subspace. which is why I have had, at times, serious doubts as to whether submission is good for me. Which, given how much I seem to need it, is problematic in the extreme. Acquiring a laid-back top helps, but has it's own problems. (who, me? want more structure? actually, only sexually. of course, if I got more kinky style sex in my life, taht structure would be there more often... never mind.) Nah. Not gonna nevermind. :) Because I've, occasionally, had the same concern. Tiger expects me to be me...the best me I can be. THat means fixing the problems that I can and dealing with the others. There are days when I really think that what I did in the past wasn't exactly healthy for me to do. I was always shy, and I don't see that changing any time soon. (Don't anyone dare laugh at that...it's true. I'm horribly shy in RL...my online behavior notwithstanding.) When I was in high school, I remember being a very different person. I was never outgoing, but I had the belief in myself that I apparently lack, today. I knew I was a good swimmer and I could make decisions on my own. I was pretty self-confident back then that I could handle whatever I came across. I had enough that when I went to college, I started exploring paganism and BDSM and found out that I was interested...and plowed ahead into it. That takes a huge amount of confidence to do when you've been raised to believe that "good girls don't" and as a Christian. Somewhere along the line, though, that got lost. Being pagan never affected me that way...it was one of the things that got me through the hard times...and helped me to hang on to at least one or two shreds of self-preservation. Enough so that when I was faced with something, I could get out. That leaves either being poly as the culprit, or being submissive. Or some combination of the two. And I do suspect the combination, particularly with the partner that I had at the time. I was in luuuuuuuuv. And was being "required" to adjust who I was in order to not lose that. Now, whether "required" means I required it of myself because I thought I had to, or because it was an underlying assumption from him through the relationship, I'm not sure. In the long run, those changes were important ones that I needed to make to be me. But, they may have happened differently had the inspiration to do so not been quite so strong. Those changes need to be internal, not because someone outside yourself wants you to. moonlight wrote: Which is why it was such a big deal getting me to actually wear a corset and sarong to a halloween thing. /amq wrote: and dammit, I want pictures!!!!! I will, most likely, be bringing them to Anthrocon. You may now sit and whinge about how long it is until then. moonlight wrote: Seeing people be grossed out at a heavier woman in a corset, in my brain, would be "failure" and "rejection". It went over pretty well, but it was going way out on a limb for me. /amq wrote: heh. I guess all the years I spent as the class outcast has benefited me. If they are rejecting me due to 'member of class of 'larger women'', it's their problem for not getting to know me for myself, etc. If they've bothered to get to know me, and like me as a person, and are disinterested in sex with me, well, that's fine - there are lots of guys I'm disinterested in having sex with. I don't need to crave molestation of their bodies to have non-physical fun with them. While I was not exactly thin in high school, I was a competitive swimmer and therefore has a much slimmer profile. I was very muscular and had a slightly round stomach. That is no longer the case. I suspect that part of the difficulty I have is that I didn't grow up getting used to being "heavy" by society's standards. I may have been "plump" or "chunky" or "stocky"....but not "heavy". After nearly 13 years with PCOS, I've adjusted to the idea that I will not be thin. Ever. Nor will I ever be close to the weight I was then. It'd be nice to lose some of the weight, but my hormones don't seem to want to play that game. shrugs /amq wrote: And moonlight - you're a 'heavier woman' only in comparison to Twiggy. lol Thank you...But I'm afraid society says differently. I'm hell and gone from a size 12, which is apparently on the verge of being "too heavy". Much less Twiggy size. [...snip take two...] moonlight wrote: Both of those, along with dietary things, space, the kitchen issue.....I dunno how to do it. It's not just a matter of getting a big enough house. Boundaries aren't just the physical ones. My initial suggestion is something like what's called a 'mother/daughter' house around here. It's basically a house with an attached/inside apartment, with a separate entrance. One poly family I know renovated their garage-like outbuilding into an apartment/house for their co-spouse, who had children of her own. It's on the same property, but it's a physically separate building. Which may work, to a degree. I will admit, I'm horribly territorial sometimes. And I like having space to myself where I don't have to always remember to ignore the shrieking from kids. I know it's just a stage, but it gets on my nerves to no end. Living in two houses in the same neighborhood would be ok. :) Even on the same property. Under the same roof is the main problem. moonlight wrote (about Argentium): snorts Y'right. You've got the claws. People don't fantasize about me. Really. 'S true. /amq wrote: ahem. BULLFUCKING shit. snorts All this time later, and I'm still not quite sure how to respond to this one... /amq wrote: amq calls out into the other room, where Cayne has returned from delivering his parents to the hotel they're staying at this weekend: "Have you ever fantasized about moonlight?" Cayne replies: "Hellyeah! When are we seeing her again?" amq watches him surreptitiously wipe the drool off his chin... I think I'm going to have to think about this, too. :) (Yes, it's close to a first. moonlight struck speechless.) moonlight wrote: So, being as someone who shall remain nameless but is on the list expected me to pay it forward.... /amq wrote: Now, how many of us could she be talking about, hmmm? Errrr...only a couple. :) moonlight wrote: My life is an open book. ahem /amq wrote: Let's see, chapter 5218827... Good lord. Are we that far into it already?