-
I'm writing this in the hopes of giving an example of what
negotiations for a d/s relationship look like. I'll assume that most
types of BDSM can use this as a model, though it's geared more towards
a long term relationship. This does go to the depth that a TPE
relationship can go - total ownership, no safewords, and the slave
does not have final say in things.
How it all started:
Several weeks ago, I began talking to a very close friend about a scene that I owed him, and have owed him for years. We've known each other for nearly seven years, and I thought that was about long enough to owe someone something. For one reason or another, it's never come together. But I was feeling up to talking about it now. And so it began.
We talked for hours and hours, probably most of a weekend, about how and what I would allow him to do. About how I process pain and pleasure. About how I need to process pain through submission and about how submission is sexual for me. About how sex and sexuality and submission is sacred to me. About why we had been putting this off for so long.
In the end, we both realized that there was a lot more involved in this than one scene, fun though it would be. Our emotions were involved and this would take a lot more talk and have to periodically involve his partners. We both wanted to be able to be free to experience all of what might happen, including expressing our feelings and emotions, even if they ended up being sexual.
The Second Week:
As a group, we all sat down, after he had spoken individually to everyone. It was an open talking session, requiring brutal openness and complete honesty about how everyone involved felt about this. When all was said and done, we were all comfortable with what was happening, and he and I resumed talking, with periodic comments from others.
We had daily talks about how we relate and interact with each other. I turned myself inside out and dumped out all of the pieces of me onto his table. He picked through it all, the good and the bad, the shiny new pieces and the broken and ignored ones. He stopped to fix the broken ones that he could and together we put them back together into a stronger, more compact whole. And once we had done that, we decided that what I needed was more than an occasional partner to play with.
I asked for him to make me his, to own me at whatever level he was comfortable with. He took time out to explain the rules that he has for someone that he owns. They are simple and elegant.
1) Take care of myself and do not allow anyone to harm me, including him.
2) Do not trample on the trust and the heart that I would gain.
3) Any playing that I do, I need to pre-approve with him. He retains the right to say no.
4) When any rules conflict, see Rule 1.
Anything else is window dressing. I am expected to tell him what is going on within me, to be honest, and to love. In return, he will see to my well-being, growth and love me. What more could a person want?
The Third Week:
The countdown has begun to the time that he will visit, this weekend, and still the negotiations go on.
This time, we talk about things that I want to give but am afraid of. Pain, fear, terror, torment. He is a sadist and wants to taste all of them, and he knows, now, exactly where those are. We talk more and more and I go around in circles.
"I want to let you, but what if I panic and can't get that across to you? What if I get lost in that? What if I never come out? What if I need to stop?" Around and around we go as he lets me wind down. Down to the core of what I want and am terrorized by.
Having no control. No matter what. No stopping, no safeword, no denying. The only path is through what he chooses to do. And, sadist that he is, I know it will not be something that I will enjoy at the time. But I will give it anyway. Because he wants it.
And so it goes. From beginnings as humble as one scene, two people end up exactly where they want to be. Master and slave. Owner and owned. No power, no control, no safeword. No outs. Only the ability to tell him what is inside and the trust that no matter what that decision is, no matter how terrified, cranky, or moody I am, he will be there.
My rules are the same as before. Except for one more. He owns me exclusively at that level. Others may play on the edges with me, but only he is allowed to take all control away. Only he can allow someone else to control me, for a time.
And I am content. I am owned. In two days, he will be here, and I will kneel before him, begging to be owned. Begging for his collar which he crafted with his own hands, assisted by his family. Their gift, as well, welcoming me to the family.
Home. At long last.
Commentary:
What am I trying to accomplish here? Mostly, to settle my own mind. There have been so many changes in myself and my life in the last weeks that the only way to sort through them is by writing. Thoughts come clear here like no place else.
What were the biggest changes? Letting go of a past that was damaging to me. Letting go of the pain that the past caused. Coming to terms with the fact that only a person who wants all of me, not just the slave part nor just the priestess part nor just the part that fits their concept of me. Only a person who wants ME deserves me, and I deserve more than settling for second best.
I am a person, first and foremost. That is what anyone who seeks to own me has to face, accept, and deal with. I drive a harder bargain than I realized when I started all of this. Not ONCE along the way did I doubt that this was right; for me, anyway. Total ownership is not for everyone, by any means.
To achieve it, both parties must be willing to meet on equal ground and share the deepest parts of themselves in order to form a new whole. Not everyone can or wants or should do that. It is the only way, though, that I can see to form a lasting bond. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes.
I know that by sending this out, I'm asking for commentary and questions....even flames, because I'm promoting something that is dangerous, not for everyone, and not universal. But, the one thing that they can't accuse me of is that what I am doing is not well thought out.
Seven years in the getting to know department, as friends and never play partners. Seven years of watching him with his family, his play partners, his friends, and seeing how he deals with all of them. Learning about him and coming to understand how his emotions and mind works.
Three weeks of prolonged negotiation. And I do mean prolonged. For hours every night. Talking and talking and talking. Have we ever played together? No. Have we ever made love? No. Have we ever done more than hug each other hello and goodbye? No. Not even a single kiss. Well, ok, one, once. Years ago. Short, quick, friends.
More than anything, right now, what is running through my head has to be something like what runs through the head of a virgin on her wedding night. Would I do it any other way? Absolutely not. There's something to be said about saving yourself for something special. And we didn't even do it on purpose.
How's that for special?
I love you, Master, and this post was for you. Because I wanted to share my special moment with my friends. You've already seen most of this....except for the last part that I've written tonight. The gift that you've given me is something that I will always treasure. And I had to show it off. Sometimes I'm like that. You'll find out......
