The Effects of Trust V   (12/24/99)
	moonlight wrote: The part that I wrote about taking five more strokes....that was the putting me back together part. He pushed me and pushed me until I was convinced that I couldn't do anything right. Just to watch the torment. Argentium wrote: No, not just to watch the torment. That's what I explained to you at the time, because it was what you could handle in the moment. It was a constant you could grab hold of and count on, much like a drowning man will cling to a life-saver desperately in order not to drown. Now, let me elaborate on some of the additional motivations and/or goals I had: oh. Well, I was rather muddleheaded at the time. I can see why that might be the case. :) Argentium wrote: 1. To show you that you can fail miserably at something and it's not the end of the world. We have limits in our capabilities and it is no shame to find the point where we "can't". The much darker wrong is to know the right path, and to choose not to take it when deep down you know you should, and can. Mmm....not the end of the overall world, no. Life, including mine would have gone on. At least until some future point where I decided that it wasn't really worth it. However. My "world" at this point in time contains several very large elements. And you twine into most of them to some extent, larger or smaller, depending on which element we're talking about. To have lost you would have ripped out the support on most of them. In effect...that "world" would have ended. And most of the projects currently being worked on in that world. At least until such time as a new world could be created. *IF* one could be. Argentium wrote: 2. To show you that failures can lead to successes sometimes if the problem is broken down into smaller manageable segments. Also, as part of this, to show you that sometimes it's just a matter of quantity of a style of play, rather than the style of play itself that is the problem. I'm not sure I see how it was a smaller manageable segment. To me, there were five distinct parts to that evening. In order, the biting section, the first flogging section, the second flogging section with the rage reaction, the third flogging section with five strokes, and the gun section. They were all distinct from one another. (Great...I'm a five act play. Shakespear anyone??) moonlight wrote: And then he showed me that I could do something right. Argentium wrote: More importantly, that you could do the exact same thing you failed at correctly. "Oh, I really can do that..." But it wasn't the same thing, in my mind. If you were trying for the same thing, you wouldn't have given me a set number of strokes. I knew, at that point, there was an end in sight. And I *still* nearly couldn't ask for it. Argentium wrote: And most importantly, instead of telling you, I personally showed you (or more importantly, I gave you the opportunity to show yourself) that you can break the negative cycle of failure-->despair--> depression-->failure that you have a history of succumbing to. Not by rationally talking about it, but by experiencing it through a raw and powerful example. I know it's possible to climb out of. I've done it once or twice in the very recent past. It took me nearly an hour to do...but I did. Those, however, were internally inflicted and not playing with the failure cycle directly. And yes, in my head that *does* make a huge difference. moonlight wrote: Why? Because I am his. To do with what he pleases. And he does. And that makes me immensely happy. He can put me through hell...and arguably did, when you understand my mental processes....and that is fine. Argentium wrote: Remember this the next time you try to make the ludicrous claim that you somehow aren't a "real player" compared to others in the scene. You're you, not them, and different things push your buttons for joy, terror, pleasure and pain. Logically, I know this. My brain is not, however, normally logical. It is intuitive and emotional. Which is where some of our more spectacular misunderstandings come from. :) To some extent, I function in the day to day world logically. I can fake it pretty well. I do logic on a regular basis. It is not, however, my fundamental way of processing things. Sometimes your rational logic drives me nuts. Because I am needing the emotional response, reaction, or comfort....:) Which is, I know, not a rational thing. I was taught from the time I was very small that outward appearance is terribly important. Over logic and rationality. We must give the appearance of being a bright happy family, even if we're at each other's throat. I was also taught to seek approval from others. To measure myself by what they had done and either improve on what I had done or move on to the next thing if I was better. Those responses are *still* in there, even as much as I try to ignore them. And as much as I'd *like* to get rid of them. Maybe this is one of the consequences of growing up with *significantly* older parents than most people my age. They came from a generation that still practiced that, where most of my peers didn't. (I'm 29, my parents are 67 and 64. Most of my friend's parents are early to mid 50s.) I sometimes think that I was raised in the wrong generation.