That's an odd phrase, don't you think? Cruel Lust. It popped up in an e-mail exchange I was having one day and I just sat there staring. It had completely caught my attention. It may be the almost perfect description of something I search for day in and day out.
It's started me thinking about what it is that I need way deep down in the core of who I am. And what I see staring back at me is rather surprising. It's been a very long time since I've seen that look. Lust, yes. Cruelty, yes. Even glee by making me squirm and yell and from hurting me. But there's a particular look that is "cruel lust" and it's something that I need.
The hard part is figuring exactly what it is. There's a certain primal feeling to it that strikes hard and deep into the non-rational part of the brain. Lust is a similar feeling with no true rhyme or reason as to why it strikes you. It manages to sink itself into you, though, until the logical, rational part of your brain goes to sleep so that the hindbrain can take over.
But it's more than just pure lust. There is a look in the eyes that blazes out speaking of sex and violence and the erotic. It's a connection that's made between the animal side of two people. Maybe it's the bloodlust that we haven't quite gotten rid of from that time before we evolved into rational creatures. Maybe it's the need to struggle against one another until one or the other is victorious and proves their dominance, for that moment, over another person. Forcing them to submit to whatever they choose.
Does the need to submit make one a submissive? Does the need to dominate make one a dominant? Or are there other qualities that create those two types of people? There is a need in side of me to submit. But it's surrounded by something wild and untamable that needs to fight…that needs to be forced down time and again. It wants to push back until that glow comes onto the face of my partner…that cruel lust…that bloodlust to force me around to their will and then take…whatever it is they're after.
But, does that truly make me a submissive? I want to eventually submit to the will of someone else. Once they prove they can force the issue. But I also want to be able to push against that when I want. Sometimes I WANT to push someone into that reaction. But a good submissive doesn't do that. They do what their dominant wants. They don't snarl, they don't get moody, they don't talk back, and they certainly don't push and push and push until their dominant goes over that delicious edge.
I want the reactions I want…and when I want them.
Cruel lust…cinching down a corset until it's closed, rather than leaving an inch or two gap in the back, just because those strong, strong hands can. Because he wants to. Because he knows it's painful and I can't hardly breath from it. Cruelty for cruelty's sake…but cruelty that inspires lust. Allowing me to preen and pose while watching that hungry look grow and grow until there isn't a rational thought in his head, only the pure animal drive to take.
Cruel lust…taking what I fear and using it against me. Because he enjoys the taste of the fear. Knowing that I just can't quite put aside the nagging doubt that this could be the last thing I ever do if I've picked badly. Playing on that doubt because it arouses him to see the internal conflict now that it's too late to escape.
Cruel lust…pushing me over the limit of the pain I can take just to hear the frantic screams and watch the struggle to get away from the lash.
Cruel lust…
