Recently I was sitting around talking to some friends online about what kinds of poses I should use in some pictures that I was going to have taken. Now, these pictures were going to be used specifically to ramp a couple of people up. Said friend said to make sure that I got one of me masturbating.
You want to see something hysterically funny, suggest that to me. I turn into a stark, raving prude. "I couldn't POSSIBLY do that!" "Oh my god...No way!"
My friend, who's vanilla, got goggle eyed at this and said, "You mean I've done something that you haven't??" or something along those lines.
Of course, being who I am, I decided to turn introspective and write about it in order to figure out just what the issue really is.
The very odd thing about all of this is I would have no problem with a picture of me getting my partner off. Now, this may not sound like a really big deal to most of you, but it kind of bugs me. I pride myself on not being overly prudish or frigid. Sure there are things that I won't do, but this seems like such a minor thing when you look at it.
I would guess that most of the folks that catch have been ordered to masturbate in front of their partner at least once in their lives. (Maybe that's an overestimation and I just assume that people do.) I've been ordered to do it over the phone, though never in person for some reason.
There does appear to be a common thread in what makes me uncomfortable enough to want to sink through the floor in embarrassment. Being the focus of attention. Whether it's being the focus of attention for pictures, the focus of attention for a dom, me being the focus of my own attention, whatever. It's disturbing to me and makes me want to disappear into the crowd.
I'd call it a passing phase or one that I'm learning to work with, except it's been around for a very long time, now. A constant companion, you might say. In classes, it takes me a while to actually speak up and venture forth with an opinion because the class turns around and looks and the professor challenges that opinion. With people I'm just meeting for the first time (or even the second or third) I often come across as aloof and distant despite trying for a friendly demeanor.
I shouldn't be surprised that this crosses over into my kinked life, I suppose. A part of me would love to be able to flaunt myself around like other folks or to get up in front of a crowd and scene without feeling like I've grown three heads, added about 800 pounds, and that everyone's staring and laughing. Logically, I know that only a part of that crowd out there is watching. Of that part, a smaller portion is intently watching. I also know that the likelihood of someone sitting there going "Ewww...gross!" is somewhere between slim and none.
People who've known me for years (online or off, take your pick) find it hard to believe that I'm shy, that I have an aversion to being the center of attention. In safe surroundings, I don't have to worry about things. Friends accept me for who I am, yet I still believe that if they saw it all, they'd leave.
Maybe that's an element of it, too. Trust. There are damn few people in this world that I trust not to cause me pain. (The bad kind, ok?) Even fewer of those that I let see the deep, dark inner places where the inner serial killer lurks, where the sub that thinks she's lower than dirt lurks, where all the pain and hurt lurk that I've pushed down and away so that people can't poke at it. Except for me. It's ok if I poke at it as a reminder that it's there, as a reminder of why I shouldn't trust people, why I shouldn't let them get close.
Perhaps it's wise not to trust an entire room of people when you only know a small handful of the people there. Perhaps it's wise not to call attention to yourself needlessly. Or, perhaps it's just letting fear rule your life. Something to think about...
