A couple of weeks ago, Tiger, the Mastertype person in my somewhat odd life, asked me to write about pain. This was brought about by the scene gone wrong that I have previously talked about.
I've tried to write this since then....but nothing has seemed to sound quite right. So....I'm going to try this again, since I'm still expected to write it. Most of this will probably be a ramble...but maybe we'll all learn something while I do.
For me, there seems to be four classes of pain. Pain that I don't like and makes me want to fight...pain that can arouse me...pain that sustains that arousal...and pain that pushes me over the edge into begging for more.
My ability to deal with pain seems to be *very* tied to my submission. And I deal with submission through sexuality. Knowing that, it's not hard to figure out that I am going to process pain sexually.
So...what, really, is the difference in the "type" of pain? In my brain, I am not sure that there really is. The "types" just help me to explain why I react the way I do. Pure pain...the kind that is not associated with some type of sexual action....I don't like. It hurts. There are days when I have to fight not to turn around and lash out at Tiger when he's using this kind of pain.
Sometimes I totter on the verge of rage as I try not to react and just accept that this is what he wishes me to feel. I totter on the edge of screaming at him to get out of my house, out of my space....I want to claw and bite and *make* him leave. And leave me alone...without the pain.
And then, there are the days when he can torture and torment me and leave me begging for more....for the needles that I'm terrified of. Sometimes I wonder if he keeps putting off using them on me because the *fear* of them is more important than actually using them.
The running joke for us is that I just won't admit that I'm a masochist. But I don't think I am. One of Tiger's other partners *loves* the pain. It makes her laugh. I don't know if she doesn't feel pain as pain or if she does and she can just deal with it and I can't.
And, maybe that is part of the problem. Not her.... The fact that I feel like I *should* be able to since I'm a slave and it makes him happy. Maybe I'm just chaffing about not having any choice in things anymore. Or, maybe I'm just not cut out to be what *I* see as a slave. Which leads me to a pretty thorny problem, from my perspective. What do you do if you *are* a slave but can't live up to your own idea of what that is?
I've never been one of those people that wants to be pushed to see how far they can go before they call their safeword. Pain, to me, isn't about that. So it's not an endurance test for me. Sometimes, though it almost feels as if that's what's going on.
I don't know how to process pain in any other way.... for me, it *has* to be done in conjunction with some type of sexual activity...at least if you want to keep me begging for more.
To push me without that brings me to the point of fighting it....and Tiger doesn't seem to want to restrain me. So I spend my time fighting the reaction of wanting to fight him because I feel like I'll hurt him or the relationship...and the pain just stacks up and stacks up. I think that this cycle sometimes leads me into places that I don't want to go and don't know how to get out of.....
The rage places....the places that want to just hurt and keep on hurting other people...the places inside that aren't nice. They're vicious and violent and ugly.
And when the pain builds up, it comes closer and closer to breaking free.
